I’ve had the absolute joy of bringing my second baby into the world in November 2018. Now that I’m preparing to bring our next little love into the world, I thought that this post could use a revisit and update in October of 2020. When you’re having a second baby with a toddler already at home, there are certain challenges that you may face. Knowing what to expect and how to mitigate these challenges might help parents to prepare themselves for what’s to come.
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Having Help is the Best!
A husband that is willing to do this thing tag-team style is key! Of course, he was unable to breastfeed our newborn, but there were plenty of other things that needed to be done! Our first born, C, is 2 days shy of being 2 years older than his baby sister. C was still in diapers. My husband, David, generally took care of changing C’s diaper when he was home. He would also wake up with him so I could sleep in after being up at night feeding little N.
Household chores were obviously less important at the time, but hubby was doing a good chunk of those, too. The most important part of parenting two kids is making sure your little humans are loved, fed, and not sitting in dirty diapers!
When it came to feeding myself and the family, the biggest help was frozen pre-made meals. While I would love to say that I had the energy to make tons of food prior to going in for my c-section, the truth is that my energy went into cleaning my house so it wouldn’t be too bad after a week or two of limited chores. The food came in the form of help from my lovely mother in law, who made casseroles, soups, and frozen portions of pasta in the weeks leading up to baby time! Do not be too proud to accept help when it’s offered.
Develop a Schedule Little by Little
For me, a schedule is awesome. But if I don’t follow the schedule as I originally laid it out, it leaves me feeling a little bit like a failure. This is why I started with a to-do list instead. By putting one task on my list, I could complete it at any point in the day and feel accomplished.
When I first started feeling up to chores, I was maybe 2 weeks post-partum. I put something small, like dusting, on my to-do list for the day. After successfully completing that chore, I felt like I could do something harder the next day. Dishes were done the next, then laundry, and sweeping the floor, etc. At about a month post-partum, I could easily do 3-4 chores per day.
It was long after baby girl was past the newborn phase before I made it through an hourly schedule, although I did have a few failed attempts. Babies don’t always follow the schedule – especially when they’re cluster feeding! A to-do list, however, is possible! I noticed that trying to overdo it can lead to failure, so keep your list realistic.
Baby #1 Can Be a Helper!
Giving your first child tasks to complete helps them to feel useful and included! Our son loves being a big brother (to a newborn and to a now toddler)! At 2 years old (remember he was freshly 2 at the time, too!), C would sit next to his sister and talk to her, play with her hands, or stroke her hair to help keep her calm while I do the dishes or fold laundry. I do keep an eye on them to make sure he doesn’t get overexcited and accidentally hurt her, but simply reminding him to “be gentle” is enough to stop him from rubbing her head too hard.
C would feed the dogs to help me out. While there have been a couple of messes, it’s nothing the dogs won’t eat! Our lab, Lily, will eat every single bit like a vacuum, so it was not a concern for us!
I gave C other little tasks to help him feel included. He loved bringing his hamper from his room, putting the clothes and laundry detergent in the washing machine, and holding the dustpan. Not only will this help him learn these skills for when he’s older, but he enjoys it! Although we have since moved and I don’t let him carry his laundry down the stairs, he is still very much involved in household chores.
Spend Quality Time with Your Firstborn
Remember that your first baby was the only baby just a short time ago. It was (and is) important to me that I still gave my boy the one on one time that we had so often before. My husband does the same. For hubby, who was working a full-time job as a paramedic and picking up regular shifts at a second station, got in his quality time by bringing C with him on errands. C loves going for a ride with Daddy, even if it’s just to pick up something from the store.
This time gives me one on one time with N, which wasn’t a rare occurrence. David worked the night shift at the time and I got her all to myself after C’s was in bed! It was a time that I loved! Getting QT with C was less common, but it would usually last at least an hour if N fell asleep on Daddy’s chest.
Since our move, David is no longer on the night shift and Nora will typically only go to sleep for him. This means that I get the one-on-one time with C at bedtime, and David gets the one-on-one time with N. It will be interesting to see how we transition when our little boy arrives.
Mommy and Toddler Time
Back then, when C was with me, quality time was as simple as playing with Play-Doh or board games, since they’re activities that require supervision. Other times it was just getting ready for the day. He liked to follow my routine – mommy brushed her teeth, C brushed his, mommy put on deodorant, C got some too (I wasn’t sure about using deodorant on the sensitive skin of our 2-year-old, so he gets it after the lid is back on…).
The important part of one on one QT is that it’s just that: one on one. I love those moments with my boy and he seems to enjoy himself as well!
There Might Be an Adjustment Period
You can prepare and do quality time and every other thing under the sun prior to having a second baby, but your toddler might not be as excited as you thought he would be. I know I got lucky the first time around – C was always so in love with his baby sister. However, I know having a third baby will likely be different. N has to share her time with C, but she’s the baby and she knows it. She knows that there is a baby in mommy’s tummy and that she has another brother coming, but she’s not quite 2 yet. She’s also incredibly stubborn, so I’m expecting some trouble.
A little trouble is okay. It’s got to be hard being so small and everything around you changes. Yes, we love babies, but babies take more of mommy’s attention. It could be difficult for her to make that adjustment. It will probably be difficult for me to make that adjustment! Being patient with the older kids and allowing them to take part in the changes is important to the shift in dynamics. Give them time and give yourself time.
Let the Oldest be Older
To be honest, I really struggled with this concept at first. In fact, our first night home from the hospital after having N I bawled to my husband about how I had to tell my baby boy he couldn’t sit on Mommy’s lap or why I couldn’t lift him. All of a sudden he wasn’t the baby anymore, and I was worried that he would feel less loved. I’m not sure at what age most people stop carrying their kids around, but I was content to continue treating my toddler like a baby for eternity.
Something awesome happened though…my baby, now a toddler, became a real big brother. C would kiss his sister on the head every morning – having never been prompted to do so. He would willingly get out of our rocking chair and ask to be put in his crib when his sissy started fussing from her swing. And, he would even stop our cuddle sessions temporarily when she needed to be fed. He understood that his sister had different needs than him at the time and selflessly stopped being the baby. C grew up faster than I was prepared for.
In some ways, it’s still sad to me that he’s handed over his title of “baby.” In others, I’m just proud. It’s a blessing all around, one that I’ll cherish and thank God for every single day. I’m not quite prepared to see my baby girl do the same for her little brother…but I do know she’ll get there eventually!
Have you recently had a second baby? Tell me about the challenges you faced in the comments!